12 Nisan 2017 Çarşamba

Dear mum,
It feels like you are choosing R over me and it makes me mad.
I know you are doing no such thing but it feels like it.
I'm aware of the distinction between feeling it and knowing it,
It makes it even worst.
I know it's not the truth but that doesn't ever change the way I feel.
Then the thing is, I know I have no right.
Today I realized that I've never seen you smiling at me.
We never do the talks that matters.
We never share and I know why.
I don't know how though, I just know why and it's the impression I get from you.
Somewhere down the line, I must have gotten the impression that my feeling are not validated.
They are not validated from you and I have an instinct to hide them away from you.
I can't make the talks with you, even the though of if makes me cringe.
And I think I have a social anxiety.
Is it too late to realize it in 21 or does it mean that I'm making it up?
I was always feeling this way but never though of putting the name to it.
I though mine was nothing, just being shy and introverted.
I don't think so anymore.
There has to be something wrong, this is not okay.
The way I feel is not okay.
My teacher always tells us that there is no such thing as okay or not okay.
"Stop categorizing, labeling everything."
It's easier said than done.
While it makes sense, like a whole lot of sense, it seems big and hard.

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