I get it now. I get it so much better now.
I feel so sad. So fucking sad. I feel rotten and sad beyond explanation.
I feel lonely. I feel so alone. Of course I needed it for this.
Of course I was such an addict. Just one and I was whole again.
Just one and it didn't feel this pain splitting me open in half.
Just one and I was a carefree cloud, just a cloud ascending to sky.
And she got it, she just knew. She didn't blame me for abusing.
She got why I got into this, hell, we got into this together.
She knew it all along. She knew me all along.
And it broke me. That she knew me and still talked shit behind my back.
That was years ago but guess what, it still hurts like a bitch.
Maybe that's my huge ego bruised but what can you do? I don't get hurt and just forget.
I have never done anything behind anyones back. Never. Ever.
So of course it hurts like fucking hell when I hear my besties think that.
But that's okay. I know me.
I know this world will never break me. Not like that.
I am already broken in a lot of sense but not like that.
I was never evil, I don't have it in me.
That's good, at least.
I'll just feel broken and direct all the misery to myself.
Never to anyone. Maybe that's where I'm wrong.
I've read yesterday "You'll never protect your heart by hiding it"
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I've been avoiding all this sorrow and hurt for years now.
Of course it's gonna come at me at once when I drop my protective gear.
It's time to grow up now, ha?
Truth be told, I never wanted that.
I just need that.
To be a human being. To survive.
So we are going in. We are diving in.
There is nowhere to go, nowhere to run now.
It's time to show my true colors. I just hope it's not all green.
That glorious green I love so bad.
And I'm not saying I'll leave it be because that's not very realistic.
I am just saying that it doesn't work for me at this rate, right fucking now.
Better yet, I haven't done in whole 5 days.
Maybe that sounds small but it is huge for me.
I will acknowledge that. Especially when I have it so close to me.
SO FUCKING CLOSE.
And I still fucking reach for it. It's an old habit.
It being there for me when I reach. Oh, and I reached so many times.
I should've had my fill till now. But that's not how it works, is it?
It's never going to be my fill. Because it's not the real deal.
I am. I am the real day.
Well, here I am. In all the sober glory.
hello there. good to see you, I guess.
we'll be together now. There is no other way left for us.
Oh believe me, I have tried. I have tried to never make this meeting with you.
And I am so good it, you know? I can keep it by my side, have it all day everyday.
And nobody fucking suspects a thing! Okay, okay, let's be fair.
There was some suspicion. But nothing really serious that can make me leave you.
I had to leave you on my own accord. Just like that. Cold turkey.
I always knew it. I always knew I can't have you just a little bit.
I was always all in or all out.
So, for the time being, it's all out.
The answer is all out.
But darling, you are my secret lover.
I'll be back for you sometime.
Not like this, oh god, never like this.
Because when I'm hooked, you're my god.
But we'll meet again. I'm sure of that.
Let's see what they have in store for us first.
I gotta do this first.
