I come to you my savior, I come to you. In the dead of the night or in the brisk of the morning after a dreadful night. After I hit my head and say I am sick of you to my thought world while harshly caressing when I wanted to smash it to the wall. Then I move my head the giant word "void" I wrote to my wall many years ago. I wrote sonnets to my walls and write here to keep me sane in the past a lot. There was a calling to me to come here once again. I don't understand why I am so stubborn to give into what my soul aches for. I think about it all the time and all the things I throw myself to pass time feels like a dream. Nothing feels real or satisfying as I delay to live. I delay living, I delay the answer to my crying soul. I want to heal without seeing myself exposed with all my wounds.
I thought I moved from this one. But again, how dare I forget it's a not as cut clear as I wish it to be. There is no being done with it and never visiting it again. The wounds will bleed and be forgotten again again.
One must bear the weight and choose to live in it again and again.
Am lazy as one said? One whom I deeply care for and feel I disappoint them again and again every damn day.
Am I projecting my mum to her, dare I ask? Does she know, ruefully I wonder.
How long since I sparked joy with anything I had? How long since I feel enough for anything to dare and claim it for my own?
I claim it now. What belongs to me, simply comes to me.
I dare to be myself and nothing further.
I believe in the woman I am the fragile nature she always had.
Life is hard to bare with fragile soul, one might say.
But isn't higher than anything else when I am fragile with whatever I care to connect.
Connection oh how I dearly ache for one. Then not one but many, many more.
In therapy I said I vision a crowd with many flavors as there could be. I ache to connect with not one but all the flavors a clan, a tribe can dare to have.
I wanna taste a jungle with my tongue and bare hands. I wanna rub my cheeks and sniff the rich aroma to take it to my heart.
I am here to live in a jungle with my tribe and I shall be the woman I am.
I shall be the woman who lives.
