Alive at last?

You never know how thin the thread you hold on to life until it is challenged from the rooths.

Always have said that I’d never be one of “those” people.

Be it an addict, be it a suicidal, be it a criminal, be it a liar.

Life shows you that it is inherited in you to be all of them. 

And it’s not that big of a change when you become those things.

It adds up after another, one day folds into another.

Then it all unfolds in front of your eyes.

Bam.

You are an addict.

You are suicidal.

You are a criminal. Fucking governments, yes you are a criminal. Having hard time hearing it, seeing it?

One more time then, you are a criminal.

But you are also a lover, you are a compassionate lover.

You are a friend to some. Well not many but quite a few for you.

Then you are a liar.

First, to yourself. Then to others. 

You are every single person you have lived and going to live.

Let’s make your piece with that, not in one day or a thousand. But eventually, let’s make peace with that and keep moving on.

You only got to move on.

Let’s give you a task, just one task that you gotta accomplish, okay?

Stay alive. For the love of God, that is you and everyone, for the everything that you love and hate. For the good and bad, stay alive.

Promise? Promise.

fuck

I got home today from a long, long and traumatic trip that was supposed to be my safe heaven. 

While I was in hell in the trip, I though home is my safe heaven.

Wherever I go, I think of some place else that will save me.

Nowhere, no one can save me.

I got back and realized how unhappy my family is. 

They don't talk, well nothing worth listening at least.

They don't laugh, well nothing worth laughing at least.

Is it my friend M or me who is so unhappy?

Because first time in my life, I got deep into suicidal thoughts.

I have never lost my hope before, always dreamt of my future life, home, family as I lie awake.

But now, I don't know if I'll ever make it there.

It's bizarre to think that life will go on feeling miserable.

This must be my friend M and I need to be aware of it.

Christ, I want to dissolve into the thin air.