fuck

I got home today from a long, long and traumatic trip that was supposed to be my safe heaven. 

While I was in hell in the trip, I though home is my safe heaven.

Wherever I go, I think of some place else that will save me.

Nowhere, no one can save me.

I got back and realized how unhappy my family is. 

They don't talk, well nothing worth listening at least.

They don't laugh, well nothing worth laughing at least.

Is it my friend M or me who is so unhappy?

Because first time in my life, I got deep into suicidal thoughts.

I have never lost my hope before, always dreamt of my future life, home, family as I lie awake.

But now, I don't know if I'll ever make it there.

It's bizarre to think that life will go on feeling miserable.

This must be my friend M and I need to be aware of it.

Christ, I want to dissolve into the thin air.