To live and to my tribe in the jungle

 I come to you my savior, I come to you. In the dead of the night or in the brisk of the morning after a dreadful night. After I hit my head and say I am sick of you to my thought world while harshly caressing when I wanted to smash it to the wall. Then I move my head the giant word "void" I wrote to my wall many years ago. I wrote sonnets to my walls and write here to keep me sane in the past a lot. There was a calling to me to come here once again. I don't understand why I am so stubborn to give into what my soul aches for. I think about it all the time and all the things I throw myself to pass time feels like a dream. Nothing feels real or satisfying as I delay to live. I delay living, I delay the answer to my crying soul. I want to heal without seeing myself exposed with all my wounds. 

I thought I moved from this one. But again, how dare I forget it's a not as cut clear as I wish it to be. There is no being done with it and never visiting it again. The wounds will bleed and be forgotten again again.

One must bear the weight and choose to live in it again and again. 

Am lazy as one said? One whom I deeply care for and feel I disappoint them again and again every damn day.

Am I projecting my mum to her, dare I ask? Does she know, ruefully I wonder.

How long since I sparked joy with anything I had? How long since I feel enough for anything to dare and claim it for my own?

I claim it now. What belongs to me, simply comes to me.

I dare to be myself and nothing further.

I believe in the woman I am the fragile nature she always had. 

Life is hard to bare with fragile soul, one might say.

But isn't higher than anything else when I am fragile with whatever I care to connect.

Connection oh how I dearly ache for one. Then not one but many, many more.

In therapy I said I vision a crowd with many flavors as there could be. I ache to connect with not one but all the flavors a clan, a tribe can dare to have.

I wanna taste a jungle with my tongue and bare hands. I wanna rub my cheeks and sniff the rich aroma to take it to my heart.

I am here to live in a jungle with my tribe and I shall be the woman I am. 

I shall be the woman who lives.

alice in wonderland

Sanırım anlıyorum artık sanat yapma mekanizmasını, sanatçı olmayı.
Sanıyorum ki sanatçılardır ki kendini bulanlar, potansiyelini fark edip onu çalışan, öğrenen ve daha sonra sonu önce ruhlarına, sonra da dışarıya dökenler.
Şimdi anlıyorum aile olmak ne demek, bir çocuk yetiştirmek bu dünyaya ve arkanda bırakmak gönül rahatlığıyla.
Bir personan senin o da, yapıtaşlarını içinde yapılaştırıp daha sonra bir heykeltıraş edasıyla şekillerdirdiğin bir insan parçası. Bir yandan da elini bile süremeyeceğin kadar değerli ve kendine has bir insan parçası. Senle birlikte ve senden gayrı.
Ve karar veriyorum ki bundan sonra hayatımı ona göre değil, onunlaymış gibi planlayacağım.
Onsuz oldurup, ona rağmen var olacağım.
Bu hiç bitmeyen bir savaş olacak içimde, belki anlık bir kahkaha.
Keyifli bir gün doğumu ve hüzne boğulmuş bir gün batımı.
Etrafımı onunda sarmak evet güvenli, bir annen kolları ve tanrının kucağı.
Ama o kollar bütün bedenimi sardığında ve kucaklandığım yerden düşmeye başladığımda, yanımda olmayacak bir sanrı.
Peşimizdeler, o benim peşimde. Eh ben de onun peşindeyim tabii.
Az da koşmadım peşinden inanın, az da öğrenmedim.
İşte bu yanı zaten beni en çok vuran. Öğrendiklerim ve öğreneceklerimin düşü.
Düşler dünyasında bir Alice. Elmayı ne zaman ısıracağız?

Alive at last?

You never know how thin the thread you hold on to life until it is challenged from the rooths.

Always have said that I’d never be one of “those” people.

Be it an addict, be it a suicidal, be it a criminal, be it a liar.

Life shows you that it is inherited in you to be all of them. 

And it’s not that big of a change when you become those things.

It adds up after another, one day folds into another.

Then it all unfolds in front of your eyes.

Bam.

You are an addict.

You are suicidal.

You are a criminal. Fucking governments, yes you are a criminal. Having hard time hearing it, seeing it?

One more time then, you are a criminal.

But you are also a lover, you are a compassionate lover.

You are a friend to some. Well not many but quite a few for you.

Then you are a liar.

First, to yourself. Then to others. 

You are every single person you have lived and going to live.

Let’s make your piece with that, not in one day or a thousand. But eventually, let’s make peace with that and keep moving on.

You only got to move on.

Let’s give you a task, just one task that you gotta accomplish, okay?

Stay alive. For the love of God, that is you and everyone, for the everything that you love and hate. For the good and bad, stay alive.

Promise? Promise.

fuck

I got home today from a long, long and traumatic trip that was supposed to be my safe heaven. 

While I was in hell in the trip, I though home is my safe heaven.

Wherever I go, I think of some place else that will save me.

Nowhere, no one can save me.

I got back and realized how unhappy my family is. 

They don't talk, well nothing worth listening at least.

They don't laugh, well nothing worth laughing at least.

Is it my friend M or me who is so unhappy?

Because first time in my life, I got deep into suicidal thoughts.

I have never lost my hope before, always dreamt of my future life, home, family as I lie awake.

But now, I don't know if I'll ever make it there.

It's bizarre to think that life will go on feeling miserable.

This must be my friend M and I need to be aware of it.

Christ, I want to dissolve into the thin air.

face the truth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXnTuUDCIJo

I don't put a smile upon your face no more

I can't make your heart shine like it did before

You don't listen to my stories anymore

You can't comfort me the way you did before

Was I too loud, was I too bad

Was I too open

Was I too high, was I too fast

Was I too close

I don't feel your lips like the first kiss

I'd rather run away than sit to face the truth

Was I too proud, was I too hopeful

Was I too needing

Was I too crazy, was I too long

Was I too giving

No matter how far, no matter how long

I will be there